Monday, 10 May 2010

Funeral Oration For My Prime Minister Gordon Brown

Friends, Britons, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come to bury Gordon Brown, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them. The good are often interred with their bones. So let it be with Gordon Brown. The noble David Cameron told you Gordon Brown was ambitious. If it were so, it was a grievous fault and grievously did he pay for it. Here under leave of David Cameron and the rest-for David Cameron is an honourable man, so are they all, all honourable men-come I to speak in Gordon Brown's funeral. He was our Prime Minister, faithful and just to us and worked tirelessly to fix our poor economy. But David Cameron says he was ambitious and David Cameron is an honourable man. He brought many reforms home to the United Kingdom and who gained the most? Same people accusing him today of being ambitious! Did this in Gordon Brown seem ambitious? When that the poor have lost their job and home and cried, Gordon Brown wept and reduced the VAT from 17.50% to 15%. Ambition should be made of sterner stuff. Yet David Cameron says he was ambitious. And David Cameron is an honourable man.

You all did see how he toiled day and night, travelled round the world with Barak Obama, Nicholas Sarkozy and Angela Merkel in search of solution to the recession and all the hardships we are facing but he was insulted by all of us including Nick Clegg, the leader of the Liberal Democrats in the Commons. Was this ambition? Yet David Cameron says he was ambitious and sure he is an honourable man. I speak not to disprove what David Cameron said. But here I am to speak what I do know. You all did love him once and not without cause. What cause withholds you then to mourn for him? O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts and men have lost their reason. Bear with me for my heart is in the coffin there with Gordon Brown and I must pause till it come back to me. But yesterday the word of Gordon Brown might have stood against the world, now lies he there and none so poor to do him reverence. Oh Britons, if I were disposed to stir your hearts and minds to mutiny and rage, I should do David Cameron wrong and Nick Clegg wrong who you all know are honourable men. I will not do them wrong. I rather choose to wrong the dead, myself and you, than I will wrong such honourable men.

But here is a letter with the seal of Gordon Brown. I found it on his table in Number Ten. It is his will. Let but the commons hear this testament-which, pardon me, I do not mean to read-and they would go and kiss dead Gordon Brown's wounds and dip their napkins in his sacred corpse. Yes, beg a hair of him for memory and dying, mention it within their wills, bequeathing it as a rich legacy unto their children. Have patience, gentle friends and fellow Britons, I must not read it for you cannot fathom how Gordon Brown loved you. You are not wood, you are not stones, but men and being men, hearing the will of Gordon Brown, It will inflame you and make you mad. It is good you know not that you are his heirs for if you should, something horrible would come out of it! Will you be patient? Will you stay awhile? I have overshot myself to tell you of it and I fear it would wrong the honourable men whose opposition led Gordon Brown to his death. I do fear it.

If you want to hear the will my people, then make a ring about the corpse of Gordon Brown and let me show you him that made the will. Shall I begin? If you have tears, prepare to shed them now. You all do know this office. I remember the first time ever Gordon Brown occupied it. It was about three years ago in Downing Street. That day he overcame ambition. Look at him now lying helplessly in that coffin. In this place ran James Purnell's betrayal through. See what a damage the envious Margret Beckett made. Through this the well-beloved Caroline Flint finished him off and as she plucked his acid mouth away, mark how Gordon Brown followed her as rushing out of doors to be sure it was Caroline Flint he knew from day one and made a Minister in his cabinet. For Caroline Flint as you all know should have been there for him because she was Gordon Brown's angel.

Now my fellow Brits, Judge how treacherous and unfaithful it was for the dearly beloved Caroline Flint of all to have done such a nasty act. Gordon Brown loved and trusted her! Her brutality was the unkindest of all for when the noble Gordon Brown heard of her resignation, ingratitude, more strong than traitors' arms, quite vanquished him and exploded his big heart and then our great Gordon Brown fell. Oh, what a fall was there, my fellow Brits! Then I and you and all of us fell down while bloody treason flourished over us. Oh, now you weep and I perceive you feel the dint of pity as well. Brits wait until you see the wounded corpse of Gordon Brown? Look you here, here is himself marred as you see by traitors.

Stay Brits! Stay good friends. Stay sweet friends! Let me not stir you up to such a sudden flood of mutiny. They that have done this deed are honourable and what pushed them to do this is what am yet to understand. However they are all wise and honourable men and will no doubt with reasons answer you. I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts. I am no orator, as David Cameron is, but as you all know, a plain blunt man who love and cherish his Prime Minister and that is why am allowed to address you. I have neither wit nor words nor worth, action nor utterance nor the power of speech to stir men's blood. I only speak the truth and I have told you that which you yourselves do know by showing you sweet Gordon Brown's corpse with his poor mouth and bid them speak for me. If this fate had met any of these honourable men, by now they would have stirred up your mind, body and spirit towards mutiny.

How I wish you all comprehend or can fathom how Gordon Brown loved and cherished you and this country. If you know, you will bear me witness that he deserves your love? Alas, you know not and I must tell you. Have you forgotten the will I told you of? Here is the will with his signature. To every British citizen he mandated to be given, as long as the recession lasts, their full salary from the coffers of the government till they get a new job. He has also bestowed upon you all his incomes, his private arbours and orchards. He hath left them for you and your children forever as a common wealth for your pleasures and recreations. This Gordon Brown, the son of a pastor and how do we get another like him so soon? Having heard me Britons, it is now up to you to decide what to do for your future lies in your hand. I am done and let Gordon Brown now rest in perfect peace!

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